Each experience of bereavement is different. There are those who sail through it, and those who do not. Grief jumps out unexpectedly for some. For most, it is a painful drudge of emptiness, regret, doubt, fear, uncertainty and above all, sadness (sometimes mistaken as depression). It can even be that we don't notice our own grief at all - but others say that we have changed: moody, pensive, miserable - even frivolous. Bottom line is, if you are probably reading this, it is not because you want to, but because you feel there is no alternative.

There are loads of books on loss. But interesting though it is to name the emotions, this makes little difference in the dark, empty pit of loss. Death cannot be reduced to a set of logical or rational values. But I promise you, this is OK. You are alllowed to feel sad, to cry for as long as you need, and to lament that which can never be the same again.

`…in grief nothing stays put. One keeps emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

We are creatures of habit, and when our stability is broken by bereavement we can expect to be very disorientated. This is entirely normal. With each death, we are in effect born into a new phase of life. The bigger the loss, the more massive the adjustment. Bereavement forces us away from the life we knew. We use a lot of emotional energy adjusting to our new circumstances: GRIEF IS EXHAUSTING. Is it any wonder that the World feels so mad if you consider how all your connections have changed, all your routines have been impacted? BE KIND TO YOURSELF!

It may help you to think of grieving with this analogy. Have you ever woken suddenly from an afternoon nap by a phone call? You are startled and a bit bewildered. It takes a while to gather yourself, to decide whether it is a dream or not. It takes a few more minutes to get your bearings - and about half an hour to feel fully awake again. Change the afternoon-awakening to the impact of a bereavement. This too will leave us reeling - but on a much vaster scale. Now you wouldn't think you were mad for feeling disorientated after waking, so is it so suprising you feel so disorientated now that you have 'awoken' into this new world without your loved one? As 'grown ups', we are expected to be rational and controlled beings. So when we feel the passion and power of our loss feelings, this can seem deeply disturbing. And yet it is all absolutely natural. Grieving behaviour as we might recognise it is evident in many species. Grief is part of our survival instinct.

NOTHING can prepare ANYONE for the changes brought by the death of a loved one. Sometimes deaths are expected, sometimes tragic, shocking and inexplicable. But all have the likely potential to disturb your equilibrium. I cannot tell you how many people ask me if they are going mad in the weeks, months and sometimes years that follow a death. Perhaps someone realises they have become forgetful. Sometimes they see the dead person, momentarily, in someone walking down the street. A husband will talk to his wife's photograph. Meals are left uneaten. Evenings bring knawing silence. Sunrise brings morning terror. Anwerphone messages will be replayed again and again. We keep fighting the urge to go looking for the dead person. A walk to the shops becomes a nightmare of shaking, numbness and terror - we run for home, adrenaline surging through our veins. We may stay in our beds. We dream the darkest dreams - or maybe dream none at all. These are all normal and no-one should feel that it is wrong to be like this - or to fear this: it is grief.

Does everyone need bereavement support? In simple terms YES! Anyone who has every been bereaved will have had, or sought, or desired bereavement support. For many people this means turning to friends, relatives, colleagues and so on - even pets. But sometimes, for some people, there are issues that a person may not want to talk about. Most often, a person does not want to burden their other grieving relatives, or they feel they should not still be feeling so bad a month, a year or more, after a person has died - and many people will simply feel no-one wants to listen anymore.

All Cruse bereavement volunteers are selected for their capacity to be alongside people in grief. They are highly motivated to do this work, and are well trained and supervised, to provide a supportive, impartial and above all confidential service.